Letters To You...

You appeared once again. It has been too many times already. You always show up at the exact same time, every time. You wait until I am lost and would want to just drift away and then awaken into reality. I do not know if this should concern me, but I could not find the reason why you seem to haunt me. It's a daunting reality- or it may have been self-imposed, I'm not sure but that's how it made me feel. If my brain could capture/photograph or even record a video of every visit, you would understand why. Your visits seem always "friendly"- and that somehow bothers me. 

I do not know if we have unfinished business towards each other; I believe we do not have anymore. Your recurrence makes me think otherwise. We parted fine, but we have never really had a discussion about it.. we just moved on. It was a rational decision and we were both okay. Somehow, in a bizarre way, I find myself asking a question. "What are you trying to say?" Again, this confusion may be self-imposed but you know very well that the girl you used to know is a very curious and stubborn one. Maybe I just need an answer? I don't know. Well, out of all of them you have been the only one I am "civil" towards to.

It has been a decade ever since that fateful day. I could not fathom how could you visit me  frequently now that I am married? I wish you could tell me what you wished to say, if you really have something to say. Pardon me for over-analyzing things. You were my first true "partner". You were my first. Were. Past-tense. I guess that should have been enough. 10 years should have taught us both everything we need to know. I guess I just wish you find what you're looking for. Something genuine, something true and honest, something you'd find pure joy in. 

P.S.

Thank you (somehow) for the visit/showing up in my dreams. 

SALVAGED!

I used to write a lot when I was in high school. I had a friend who's also into writing that's why I really got into it and she taught me to write poems beautifully. She taught me to make a poem using the name of a person where the first line starts with the alphabet from the name. I was writing every day. I was inspired. We were both the rebel kids in high school and we'd write together- though I was more of a morbid writer than she is. I don't have any other great influences if you ask me of poets or authors I look up to- I'd name no one. Don't get me wrong, I like to read a lot but I couldn't find that someone to really look up to and name him/her my "idol" in poetry or writing in general.

I had a compilation of three notebooks full of poetry and a couple of short stories. They were my bread and butter. Those three notebooks made me proud of myself even though I don't like to do well in school- especially in college. I was tired of routine (READ: studying). I have been a consistent honor student since nursery through high school so I told myself I'm going to enjoy college. LOL Anyway, I don't have those notebooks anymore. And I kind-of stopped writing since then. I lost the notebooks when Typhoon Frank hit Iloilo last June 2008. I lost hope of retrieving everything. I can't exactly remember everything I wrote since there's too many of them.

Just today though, I opened my Multiply account, and checked my links and found that I still have the Xanga account! The xanga account used to be my online diary and I also posted a few of my poems there until I completely forgot about it and thought I already deleted the account. So I tried to check it- see if I still have the pictures and all entries I made there. I was actually prepared for the worst- but I was so SURPRISED to see that everything is still there! I'm so HAPPY! I e-mailed all the poems to myself, of course, so I could save it. Out of all my poems, I found 10 in my xanga. It has made me look back to what I was writing about back then. It's time to write more. :)