Ellie Goulding, Hope and Closure

Explosions.

"It's okay to be afraid, but it will never be the same."

It baffles me how 1 song can and actually explain the entirety of what I feel. I am never the same, ever. Hope is a killer- it's an opium to the weary and the naïve, the gullible. Hope is a double-edged sword , a relentless reminder of why we have wonderful uncertainties and the reason we fall. As they say, too much of something is not good for you. If that's the case, hope should be banned and/ or should come at a price.


"Your intentions were gold..."

I wished we're all born with signal readers, radars or whatever you might want to call it. We come across different people not knowing the purpose and/or intention why they came or stayed. In the end, we're left wondering how we allowed what shouldn't have happened or blocked out what could've been better for us. We're left with a thirst nothing books, nor songs, nor poetry can quench. We then forget... or so we think, until something or someone reminds of what that felt like and it creates a certain hunger within us. We hunger for answers we actually know; we hunger for explanations that need not be said. We hunger for closure... closure that didn't happen for a reason.

posted from Bloggeroid

Unusual Heartbreak

2 months ago, I underwent an ultrasound. I was not expecting to have one, although i did expect to be pregnant. I went to a gynecologist to have myself checked since all pregnancy tests i took came back negative. Many girls my age would be so happy, close to triumphant even that they aren't- but I'm not. I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to have my own baby. So when the gynecologist couldn't figure out my case, he suggested I get an ultrasound test.


I was really scared, not because it was my first time but because the test might bear bad news. Ultimately, it did. I found out I wasn't pregnant and knowing why made me feel really weak. My legs were shaking a lil bit. My heart was pounding and I felt like all my blood rushed from my head down to the ground in a matter of seconds. I was terrified. But I was even terrified of what PJ would say. I was thinking that maybe he'd break up with me because I COULDN'T GET PREGNANT.

I never knew I'd undergo such a case but I have bilateral polycystic ovaries. This means that both my ovaries have multiple subcapsular follicles which hinders me of pregnancy. The doctor already gave me medicine so I could have my period regularly and also prescribed something to cure my condition. However, this medicine was so hard to find! I had to ask my mom to help me in finding it to no avail and asking my mom to do that was no ordinary conversation. I really had to muster all the courage I had within me to be able to tell her my condition.

I still haven't got that prescribed medicine, that's why I'm going in for a check-up with another gynecologist. I really feel so heartbroken over this matter. It's terrifying to know that I might not actually be able to reproduce. Of all my friends, I'm the one who's really close to kids and vocally expressing my desire to have a child. I'm still very hopeful though that I'll be able to get through this. I'm still young and I have a long time to recover from all this trauma. I still believe that one day, God will look down on me and will allow me to have my desire come to reality. I'm hoping for the best.


Never give up!

larraineBee ❤