Ellie Goulding, Hope and Closure

Explosions.

"It's okay to be afraid, but it will never be the same."

It baffles me how 1 song can and actually explain the entirety of what I feel. I am never the same, ever. Hope is a killer- it's an opium to the weary and the naïve, the gullible. Hope is a double-edged sword , a relentless reminder of why we have wonderful uncertainties and the reason we fall. As they say, too much of something is not good for you. If that's the case, hope should be banned and/ or should come at a price.


"Your intentions were gold..."

I wished we're all born with signal readers, radars or whatever you might want to call it. We come across different people not knowing the purpose and/or intention why they came or stayed. In the end, we're left wondering how we allowed what shouldn't have happened or blocked out what could've been better for us. We're left with a thirst nothing books, nor songs, nor poetry can quench. We then forget... or so we think, until something or someone reminds of what that felt like and it creates a certain hunger within us. We hunger for answers we actually know; we hunger for explanations that need not be said. We hunger for closure... closure that didn't happen for a reason.

posted from Bloggeroid

Burnout

How many times can a person feel this way? I feel like I have a very very short fuse. I don't like what I'm feeling! This is the first time I am ever really passionate (well, aside from my accessory store) and yet I'm not feeling too good about it now. It seems like every time I work, at first it's something I'm very positive and so passionate about. Six months later, that same passion is nowhere to be found and work becomes, well... work. I do not enjoy it anymore. I am just getting by the day without being proactive. I come to work and do what they need me to do and not what I have to do.

I have a very complex job and being involved in operations is quite an interesting job but also too physically tiring! I do not have a lot of complaints about my job because I get to have time for myself and even time to go out with friends even on a weekday. However, things are taking slowly taking a toll on my body and I'm super stressed out with work. I think it's really different if you really love what you do and you visualize yourself living and breathing your job. For me, I came into picture because I needed a job and they needed someone to do the job.

I really need a break. :(

Unusual Heartbreak

2 months ago, I underwent an ultrasound. I was not expecting to have one, although i did expect to be pregnant. I went to a gynecologist to have myself checked since all pregnancy tests i took came back negative. Many girls my age would be so happy, close to triumphant even that they aren't- but I'm not. I wanted to get pregnant. I wanted to have my own baby. So when the gynecologist couldn't figure out my case, he suggested I get an ultrasound test.


I was really scared, not because it was my first time but because the test might bear bad news. Ultimately, it did. I found out I wasn't pregnant and knowing why made me feel really weak. My legs were shaking a lil bit. My heart was pounding and I felt like all my blood rushed from my head down to the ground in a matter of seconds. I was terrified. But I was even terrified of what PJ would say. I was thinking that maybe he'd break up with me because I COULDN'T GET PREGNANT.

I never knew I'd undergo such a case but I have bilateral polycystic ovaries. This means that both my ovaries have multiple subcapsular follicles which hinders me of pregnancy. The doctor already gave me medicine so I could have my period regularly and also prescribed something to cure my condition. However, this medicine was so hard to find! I had to ask my mom to help me in finding it to no avail and asking my mom to do that was no ordinary conversation. I really had to muster all the courage I had within me to be able to tell her my condition.

I still haven't got that prescribed medicine, that's why I'm going in for a check-up with another gynecologist. I really feel so heartbroken over this matter. It's terrifying to know that I might not actually be able to reproduce. Of all my friends, I'm the one who's really close to kids and vocally expressing my desire to have a child. I'm still very hopeful though that I'll be able to get through this. I'm still young and I have a long time to recover from all this trauma. I still believe that one day, God will look down on me and will allow me to have my desire come to reality. I'm hoping for the best.


Never give up!

larraineBee ❤

Not My Day

When I woke up this morning, I had a terrible feeling... My throat was so itchy and I had exaggerated runny nose! I have been nursing this flu the whole day. Good thing I didn't have fever, like I normally do. I'm doing as much as I can so I can recover quickly because its super difficult to work when your head is about to explode, you're coughing like there's no tomorrow and sniffing thereafter! Sounds like "tunog tao", I swear!

The day could've ended just fine. However, as I am about to sleep, I have another mishap being the clumsy girl that I am. I was bending over to put something in the trash can and accidentally my eye hit the end of the hanger, placed on my closet door! My left eye now hurts and burns a little bit! Why did this have to happen? I'm so scared! I don't care if I get a cut or bruise in my arm or leg because both can still function after recuperation. The eyes, however, cannot. Once your eyes are "destroyed", bruised, etc you can say goodbye to your eyesight! I cannot imagine my life without my sense of sight! How can I drive? How will I be able to see people I'm talking to? How will I be able to work? I don't want to miss out on life.


Moral lesson: be careful... EXTRA CAREFUL!


Goodnight,
larraineBee ❤

Finding Purpose in Dreams

Sometimes, I'm too caught up in my ideal/perfect world. Of course, it's just a fragment of my imagination. Things I wished were happening to me, things I wish I had, places I wished to visit... the list goes on. In my perfect world, the sky's the limit! There's no problem with accessibility to anything, and the choices are limitless. Sometimes I wish I could really live in that world. A world where I am successful, I am looked up as a "powerful" woman- and I don't mean the Wonder Woman type.  However, as it is just a fragment of my imagination and I'm just a human being, I need to stop thinking about the "what if's" and make life happen with anything I currently have. I guess having a "perfect world" for yourself can actually motivate you to do better in work, school, etc. It's like you're guiding yourself and projecting where you'd like to be in the future, what you want to attain. Of course, in REAL life, there aren't any shortcuts. We need to undergo a lot of disappointments, failures, heartaches, happiness, etc before we get to where we foresee ourselves to be. It is a whirlwind of emotions, sometimes it's so overwhelming. Having a balance in your life and people close to you such as family and friends can definitely help you get through life from day to day. I wish I could say that I've achieved something greater and say that I've found myself in a place I projected I would be. Somehow, I still have a long way to go. I'm just so motivated right now because things are slowly falling into place no matter how slow they picked up. I am so excited and really looking forward to what I can really become in 5 to 10 years from now. I guess the purpose of keeping that "imagination" kept me alive and motivated me to do something about my life if I wanted to become somebody at least for myself. Setting goals can be very difficult and sometimes not aligned with our strengths but I do believe that whatever we set our hearts and minds into, we will definitely land on the very spot we have hoped for ourselves.

And with that, I'll leave you with a few quotes from people who dreamt of  big things and made them come true.

* "Dreams are extremely important. You can't do it unless you imagine it." 
-- George Lucas

* "It was the man's dream, and his inspiring attempt to make them come true that remain important." Francis Ford Coppola 

*"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men." Goethe

And with that, I bid you all good night! 

Quotes' Source